Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A Brief Side Note

So I just finished reading Stephen King's short story "Morality" now available at the back of the short novella Blockade Billy. It's a good story; almost all Stephen King's stories are. But it's a sad story, too. And for all of that, tragic and troubling at the same time.

If you haven't read the story, don't worry. I'll do my best not to spoil it, in case you want to read it later. But the blurb on the book jacket says the tale is "chilling." I'm probably splitting hairs but I didn't find it particularly chilling, per se. I just found it very disheartening.

Truth is, Steve might as well have called it "The Really Stupid Shit Some People Will Do For Money...At The Risk Of Their Morality And, Ultimately, Their Soul." That would have been way more unwieldy, though, probably.

If you have ever read any short stories by Richard Matheson, you will likely come to the same conclusion about Stephen's story "Morality:" it owes a great debt to Richard's very short story, written some years ago (back in the days when $50,000 was considered a lot of money), called Button Button, the basis for the recent movie "The Box" starring Cameron Diaz and Frank Langella . Steve's is a longer version but a very similar story.

Without spoiling either story too much, basically, each concerns a couple (usually married) in dire financial straits who get presented what at first glance seems a quick easy solution to their grim financial circumstances. As long as "they" agree to do just one small thing. Once they do whatever it is, their financial woes will vanish almost instantly. Of course, as is so often the case, that "one small thing" is of questionable morality at best and very wrong/morally repugnant at worst.

In both stories, one of the two main characters (sadly it's usually the wife...because as in real life, so often the wife is portrayed as the person in the relationship who is always over-worried and often even panic-stricken about their horrible financial situation and the fact as a couple they always seem to be broke or be on the verge of having no money) agrees to do the small thing...because, for them, the lure of "easy" money is too strong to resist. Actually, it's usually a little more complicated than that. The wife usually decides that, whatever they have to do, they can justify it because, no matter how wrong a thing it is, the end result justifies the means. They will have their financial future secured...and that makes what has to be done ultimately "okay" in her mind. Kind of "I'm doing a very bad thing but for a really good reason."

Then she gets her financial reward only to have both her own and her husband's lives irrevocably changed. Never for the better as originally thought. Always for the worse. Through no one else's fault but their own. And in truth, the husband in both stories is ultimately complicit. He isn't strong enough in his own morality to hold fast to what he knows is wrong and to talk her out of making such a god-awful sacrifice.

And, of course, it's then a very slippery slope from that point to going to hell for selling your soul to the devil, which is truly what these stories are ultimately about: when/if you sell your soul to the devil, you can't really be surprised when he comes to collect, because he always does...and, usually much earlier than you imagined. And always for a far greater price than you originally believed.

Both stories also bring to mind a movie with a variation of the very same theme: Indecent Proposal with Robert Redford, Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson. If you've seen it you probably get it and have undoubtedly had lengthy, lively discussions about it.

But for me, at the end of the day, all these stories say to me, in fact prove to me, is that giving up your moral standards for ANY reason, but most especially money, comes at too high a cost: your mortal soul.

They also ask and sadly answer: will you when put to the test, really do anything for money, even if it goes against your moral code? Does the lure of money win every time? And if you gave it serious thought, what would you do for that money and at what cost.

And once you go down that dark path can you ever return or is there really no turning back. And...what exactly are you worth to you? It is often said everyone has a price...and these stories sadly seem to show that.

Originally, I didn't think this would fit this blog, but now I see that it actually does. Dovetails nicely, in fact.

Because as far as I see it, *if* you don't believe in you, you become vulnerable to the temptation to do something morally repugnant and repellent. And possibly just stupid And that makes it appear, to others around you observing you, like you don't feel you're worth very much to you let alone anyone else.

I wish I believed that doing anything for money no matter how morally wrong it is wouldn't be appealing to people. And yet, shows like Survivor and stories like these, continue to prove me wrong. And it just sets a bad precedent. It proves almost daily there are far too many people who cannot resist temptation no matter how bad and given the chance literally will do anything for money. Damn the cost. Damn the result. Damn themselves.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

A Self-Help Blog (intending to become a book)

Well, for only the second time, I didn't actually have a catchy title for one of my blogs with the word "Blog" in the title.

The truth is, I could have called this blog "If I Don't Believe In Me...Who Will" because if I'm being completely honest, I'm really the one I'm writing this for. Oh, I could try to be altruistic or magnanimous and say I'm writing this for you or anyone having a hard time believing in themselves but it would really be just so much self-serving bullsh*t.

I'm writing this for me. And I would be lying if I said anything else. But, having said that, I'll let you in on a little secret: every self-help book, blog or whatever, written is, was and always will be written for one person and one person only. The person who wrote the book.

But to be entirely fair, I'm pretty sure that's why they resonate with so many people the way they do. When they sell, that is.

And I suppose if I'm still being totally honest, in the interest of full disclosure I should probably note here that that statement has *not* been fully researched. Okay. Not researched at all.

But it only stands to reason, if you think about it. It seems to me it would be the height of ego for someone, anyone really, to tell you how to run your life. Or, what you can do to make your life better. Truthfully, how would they know? Exactly. They wouldn't. And, neither would I. What works for one may or may not work for someone else. What works for me or doesn't... well...you get the idea.

Put another way: one of the lyrics to a great pop song from many years ago "Sunshine" said "He can't even run his own life I'll be damned if he'll run mine." So I'm not going to try. I have enough challenges in my own life and on my own plate to tell you how to run your life.

But...my self-help book is really meant to help one person: me. If I'm being honest.

So...why write a self-help book just for me, I hear you asking. It's certainly a fair question. But...if I can help one person, in this instance me, then possibly something will resonate with you and allow you to help you. Or, not. Hence the title of the book (or for now the blog).

In my more self-deprecating moments, I often feel I'm the embodiment of that old saying (old now) "I'm not completely useless: I can always serve as a bad example." Maybe more self-loathing than deprecating but anyway.

So there's a new saying or a new version of an old saying that asks the question "Why aren't you doing what you really want to be doing?" Or "What would you rather be doing...and why aren't you doing it?" Or maybe more to the point "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

But the last question is probably the hardest to answer. The first two questions are essentially the same as each other so maybe a little easier to answer. Because I'm afraid. Afraid I'll fail. Afraid I'll suck. Afraid no one but me cares.

Why aren't I doing it? That's easy: because I can't give myself permission to do it. I don't know how. So instead, I pass the buck. The big decision of my life and I can't seem to make it for myself. I don't know how to let me do what I want to do.

Instead, I want "you" to give me permission. Or at least encourage me that it's good enough that it's what I should be doing. It's what I should not just be doing but getting paid to do it.

What do I want to do? This. Write. I want to write for a living. I want to get paid for putting words on a page. I write lots of different things including fiction. And in addition to this self-help manual I want to write novels.

I've started so many stories intending to make them novels or short stories or whatever that I've lost count. But it's a compulsion. I need to write. I don't do it nearly as much as I should...and maybe if I actually could finish a novel I could publish it. But I'm always brainstorming new ideas and I keep names for books and characters and story ideas and I even sometimes design my novel's cover in my mind.

And yet...instead of following that dream...I work at Walmart selling televisions and computers making less than $11 an hour.

And still I can't give myself permission to even call myself a writer let alone actually be one or become one. Even though it's really what I want to do when I grow up.

Well. What do you know? I answered the hardest question after all.

So. Now what?

Now maybe I'll finish this book and then one of the close to a dozen fiction books/stories/ whatever I've been working on.

Yeah. Easier said than done. As it is, I'm doing this blog post on my BlackBerry instead of the computer as I'm using the computer for other stuff. Plus it's almost 4 in the morning and I need to head to bed soon. (And I've discovered I have to log on to a computer to actually edit the blog posts because my BlackBerry isn't capable of handling that and then letting me save the edits and re-publish the post so the changes take.)

So for now I'm going to try and post this and see how that goes. Then I'll take it from there.